Bitter and Painful: A Failure — Incandescent Psychology #UnderstandingHuman

Failure is a human process. This process teaches us to be human beings who can accept the reality that happens in our lives. Because life is not always what we want, therefore failure exists as part of human existence. What makes failure a painful and bitter process is our response to the event.

Failure is often perceived as a scary and sad thing. It becomes scary to feel how difficult it is to achieve what we want. Meanwhile, failure is also a sad thing because when that happens, we feel ourselves useless.

Slowly we also feel success as something that is difficult to reach and causes us to tend to give up easily. Failure also makes us feel so weak, helpless, and don’t want to do anything. Plus, in a state that is so depressed and on the verge of confusion makes it difficult for us to think clearly to respond to failure appropriately.

Failure can be so evil as it affects people, by leaving such wounds and pains for us. Failure also seems to be a taboo thing to talk about. Often we dare not complain or say sad that we failed. Eventually we just shut up, get moody ourselves, or pretend to be okay. In fact, when storing the wound in silence, the wound will get wider, become unkempt and disrupt our function as humans.

However, without realizing it we also ignore the pain and wounds that arise when it does not work. The more we don’t realize it, the greater the impact it will have on us later in life.

There are three psychological wounds arising from a failure, namely:

Undermining Our Self-Esteem

When someone fails, they often label themselves like, “I’m stupid”, “I don’t deserve to succeed”, “you loser”, “you can only be shy”, and other similar negative statements. Such negative labeling only hurts our self-esteem even more. Such labeling also illustrates that we often conclude a failure as a negative thing.

Some assume, by labeling in the form of statements like that can release emotions from failure. However, the more often we fill ourselves with distracting thoughts, the easier it is to internalize within ourselves. It is as if we are justifying ourselves that we are indeed stupid, shameful, and pathetic.

Maybe we often remind our colleagues not to condemn themselves when experiencing adversity, including failure. However, without realizing it we also often curse ourselves when we have not obtained what we want. We even forget to love ourselves.

Weakening Hope

Failure can make us lose hope. The loss of hope makes us want to give up and forget about the possibility of success in the future. We also become pessimistic about trying to pursue desires because we feel that these desires are difficult for us to achieve.

Have you ever realized that failure so persuasively kills our hope? Our unsuccessful experiences convince us that there is no chance to be happy, to live a perfect life. After believing that, we stop trying.

In addition, failures can also be misleading. It can be misleading because we judge stories that have not worked in our lives not as shortcomings or trials for our persistence in struggling, but as confirmation that success is indeed an impossible thing to obtain.

The more we allow ourselves to drown in feelings of pessimism and helplessness, the more we make ourselves hurt.

Weakens Self-Confidence and Motivation

We live in the midst of all kinds of pressures and expectations, both from within and outside ourselves. The pressure that fills our lives also encourages the emergence of fear if it does not succeed later. Plus, the expectations of ourselves or the closest people also add to our worries. We also become more focused on fear and worry than effort and positive thoughts to achieve what we want.

When we fail, the things that make us afraid and worried come true. Then, it has an impact on weakening the self-confidence and motivation that exists in us. We see ourselves as individuals who are incompetent to achieve success, full of weaknesses, and have dreams that are too big. We seem to sabotage our own abilities that we will never be able to achieve what we want and there is no point in trying.


Smart Humans Look for Excuses

We as humans are good at making excuses, including when we experience failure. Various excuses we make to convince ourselves that failure is normal. Thus, we feel a little more relieved and reduce the fear of failure.

For example, someone has applied for a job both places but no one has succeeded yet. He also assessed the many influences that made him unsuccessful. When taking the test in the first place, it turned out that his body was not so healthy that he could not maximize. Meanwhile, while on the way to the second place, traffic jams occur because someone has an accident. This also made him arrive late and felt not enough concentration during the test. And some other excuses that we may not realize but have made when we experience failure.

Failure Is Not Always Bad

The more we get used to looking for reasons behind failure, we will forget to assess the meaning behind the full event. Examine what is lacking and wrong with us, which we will need to change and develop in the future. It may not be who we are wrong, but what we want does not suit us. There are many other things that we do not know and try, which can be a reference for changes in our failures.

Failure is always painful and disappointing, but it can be a rewarding experience. We need to be aware of the effects exerted, feel the hurt and pain caused, and then find ways to deal with them. Thus, we are able to strengthen our strength against failure.

Good luck to all of us, who are or have experienced unsuccess. Suppose this bitter experience will be a collection of dots towards better things later.

This article is adapted from Guy Winch’s book, entitled “First Aid Emotional Healing”.

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